I haven't cried this much since....well I've never cried this much.

Yesterday before noon, I cried half a dozen times. Between noon and 3 pm, I cried another half dozen times. I just can't stop. All this crying continued today, too. They aren't all sad tears, some are happy tears. Happy tears from listening to Kadence talk about how if Cruella De Vil ever comes to take her puppy she'll call the cops and watching her finish a puzzle all by herself. Happy tears from listening Karlie sing "A B C D A B C D A B C D" and watching her smear yogurt all over herself...and the table....and the chair. But, then there's the sad tears, too. They should be happy tears because I'm getting to have these moments, but they're sad because I'm choosing to not see the positive side of this right now. I cried when I rocked Karlie to sleep for her nap. Yes, I still rock my two year-old to sleep. I cried when Kadence told me "M-O-M-O-M-O-Y, that spells my favorite mommy!" I don't want these days to end. Robert tries to make me feel better by saying that the girls are going to grow up and go to school someday, but that's them leaving me, not me leaving them!

Missing the girls isn't all I'm worried about. I'm stressing out about laundry, school work, and everything else that I usually do during the day. If I'm pooped after being home all day, how am I going to survive being at work all day and then coming home to do everything I didn't do?! I know just a few days ago I was saying how much I love my hubby, so I hate to do this. I asked Rob if he's going to help cook dinner and get the girls to bed so I'll be able to do homework, and you know what he said??? "No, because that's the woman's job." FURIOUS. That's all I'm going to say about that. He will be helpful. I'll have to light a fire under his butt, but he WILL be helpful :)

I was going to take a Maymester class, but I think it's a idea better to get into our new groove without having to devote 3 hours a night to homework. That and a short break before summer classes start will be very much appreciated! I'm really anxious to know what branch I'll be working at and get to speak with the manager about my schedule. Everything is up in the air right now, and all I'm sure about is the schedule for training the first two weeks I'll be working. That's another thing that stresses me out. I hope I'll be able to go in late one morning a week so that I can take a class at the school. Chemistry and/or Physics online just isn't going to work for me. I also hope that I'll be able to leave early enough to make a night class. As a loyal follower of ratemyprofessor.com, I've learned that most of the Brit Lit professors have HORRIBLE online classes, so I don't want to chance hating my life for a semester by trying to take it online. I'm just thinking too much right now. I need to sit back and take it one day at a time. I KNOW we will all be fine, this is just the worrier in me doing it's best work.

I'm going to think positive now. I've got a week to soak up as many smiles and as much laughter as I can.

A CRAZY Day

So today was a fun day. I just wanted to stay in my jammies all day, being lazy with my girls. Of course, they think differently than me. So we kissed Rob goodbye as he left for work and went to play outside. Then something terrible happened. Kadence wanted to ride her bike down the street, so I pulled Karlie in her wagon....and a dog followed us home. He wasn't very big, but Perrito (the newest addition to our family - a Jack Russell Terrier / Shih Tzu) was MAD. He bark and pulled at his leash; he really wanted to get that dog. The other dog was so nice though. He just wandered around the yard, but when he went on the porch, Roxy got mad. I mean REALLY MAD. She's barked at strangers and stray dogs before, but never gotten this mad. She wiggled off her collar and attacked the other dog. She was biting him and throwing him around like a little rag doll. She's a beast - super strong - so here I was, looking like an idiot, wrestling with her trying to get her away from the other dog. She took me to the ground three times before I came out victorious and chained her up. By this time, the girls were totally freaked out and I was covered in sweaty mud. Fun times!

So after we all took a shower and ate lunch, I hoped our afternoon would be much less eventful; however, at one o'clock I got a phone call to be at an interview at 3. Yes, a job interview. It is with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes that I now type about this. For the past few years, I've wanted to open a home daycare, and I've had a couple families come and go (mainly go without paying me....GGRRRR! Note to self: Stop letting people take advantage of your kind-heartedness). For the past 6 months, I've been putting ads in the papers, putting flyers up in stores and on telephone, trying to spread it by word of mouth, but we live either too far out of the way or people simply don't want to pay. I mean, does someone REALLY take care of two toddlers from 7 am til 6 pm for $60 a week?! I might be crazy at times, but I'm not that crazy (or stupid). So anyway, I'd still love to stay home with my girls and take care of other kids too, but if the second part doesn't work out and the first part doesn't pay, then I must get a job. I've enjoyed my 3 years of staying at home with my girls and I don't want to leave them :( But I'll leave all that for later. Getting back to the job interview...on Tuesday morning I applied for 11 jobs online and didn't expect to hear back from any of them, because who really wants to hire someone who hasn't been working for the past 3 years and their reason for leaving their previous job was to start a family?! Well Tuesday afternoon I got an email stating that I had 24 hours to complete a telephone interview for a Teller position with Wells Fargo. That went well, so Thursday morning I had a 4 hour long group interview. I must say that I was completely nervous, didn't eat breakfast, nearly threw up when I walked in, and almost left when everyone starting talking about all of their sales experience, because Wells Fargo requires sales experience for their tellers, and although I could sugar coat some of my previous employment experience, really I have ZERO sales experience, unless you count Robert telling me all about HIS sales experiences. (HOW'S THAT FOR RUN-ON SENTENCE?!?!) Back on topic...so I had 2 hours to fix my hair, put my face on, get my girls to Rob's aunt's house, and fight Fiesta Friday traffic to get to the interview. The interview went fabulously. As I told Rob in a text message when he wished me good luck: Who needs luck when you got skills?! Although I got a good vibe from the manager that interviewed me, I was left confused because he thought a Wachovia should have interviewed me. He explained that if I was hired, I would start working at Wachovia, and then after the merger is complete, I'd be a Wells Fargo employee. I was really dreading having another interview and was waiting for the HR lady to call me to schedule it.

Here comes the next monumental event of the day: I went grocery shopping with two kids wearing high heels. That is a first and a last for me. Two hours after the interview, my kids are screaming for donuts in HEB, my feet are achin', and I get a phone from the HR lady - I got the job! So now, I just have to figure out how to not cry every 15 minutes because I know my days spending every waking hour watching my beautiful babies smile and listening to their sweet voices are numbered.

Oh boy, must stop now or my tears might fry my laptop.

Where has the time gone?

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged. Every afternoon I tell myself "Today is the day I start blogging again." But after dinner, then our family walk, then bathtime, storytime, and cleaning I want nothing more to sleep, but then there's still a couple hours of homework to do. I could have blogged about lots of interesting things (to me anyway...and the only other person would probably be my mom!) like our battle with Swine Flu, buying our first house, starting a complete make-over on the house, RSV, pneumonia, bronchitis and hospitalization, the holidays, the 4th Anniversary of my 21st birthday....lots of fun things. But my bed is so much more comfy than the computer chair. I'm sure nobody has missed my blog, but keeping a diary was always therapeutic for me and since I haven't done that since junior high, I feel like I need to keep up with this now.

Four years ago today I married my best friend.

Robert used to always laugh when I called him that, but it's true. I don't keep secrets from him. He knows me better than anyone else. Even if he doesn't want to go get a pedicure with me, he's still my best friend.

He has a way of calming me down no matter what's wrong. When I'm acting all psycho and trying to pick fights with him, he just lets me yell whatever I want at him. Then he smiles. Then I realize how stupid I sound, and apologize.

I love how he makes me feel all safe, not only in the dark of night, but safe in knowing that he's going to take care of us.

I love how our little girls have him wrapped around their tiny fingers.

I love how he can't wait to get home from work to see them.

I love how he calls a sandwich a sangwich.

And even though it pisses me off sometimes, I love how he's always right.

I've heard that a girl marries a man like her dad, and I've always made a connection between my dad and Robert. They both stay cool, calm, and collected in the toughest of situations. It's hard to stay mad at them. They're both pretty funny, good handymen (when you can get them away from the tv!), and well...they both love good cooks.

I won't say that I can't wait til we're celebrating our 40th together, because I can wait. Grey hair and wrinkles are not things I'm looking forward too, but at least we'll be grey and wrinkly together ♥

I am a survivor!

Wow, this week was rough. Ok, this week was awfully rough. I knew going into this that it wasn't going to be easy for any of us. My girls would have to get used to waking up early and being away from the comfort of their home, Bram and Greta would have to get used to me and not having their mama. I had expected the worst. And I got the worst.



For three days all Baby Greta did was cry, scratch that, SCREAM unless I was standing up rockin' back and forth. She's a moose! (My back, neck, and feet killed me every night this week. Thank the Lord for Burt's Bees peppermint foot lotion and a hubby that loves me and rubs my back when I get cranky.) AND she didn't eat, anything at all, from 7 am til 3 pm. No bottle. No baby food. Nothing. Poor baby. I know she had to be starving all day, but she just had a really hard time adjusting to me. Mama would come home and Baby Greta would take a bottle from her, which I think is just crazy because Mama has the real stuff!



Bram turned from the sweet, loving little guy into this runnin' and screamin', toy throwin' wild man. I had never, in the two years I've cared for Bram, seen him misbehave. I know he's a toddler and he's supposed to see how far he can push the limits, and boy did he. I am thankful that he didn't break a window or someone's nose. He can seriously throw that hard, and he throws EVERYTHING. Big, chunky wooden toys, books, cars, glasses full of banana shake. I can say that he was a terror, but it is completely understandable, because it's a big change from having Mama all day everyday to having to share your house and toys with two other kids and no Mama. I know he'll be back to his sweet lil self soon.

I knew that it would be hard for my girls to wake up early, not have their beds for their naps, and most of all for Kadence to share and Karlie not to be jealous of me holding Greta. Kadence had her moments, but for the most part she was pretty wellbehaved. She only bit Bram once and although she left deep teethmarks, it didn't bruise. I thought we were over the biting stage, but Kadence HATES sharing toys and Bram swiped one of her toys and before I could stop her, she got a good taste of him. She would not take a nap, which I totally expected. She's never been good at sleeping anywhere other than her bed (or mine). The hardest part was that she'd fall asleep in the car on the way home and whether I tried to keep her asleep and put her in her bed or wake her up before we pulled in the driveway, all she would do is scream for 30 minutes after we got home. Poor girl needed some rest, but just wouldn't give up. Bribes with money for the icecream man, telling her she could watch tv in my bed, even her favorite snack wouldn't stop the crying. She just cried, and screamed, and cried, and screamed until she decided that it was enough and then she was fine.

My sweet little Karlie was the best one of all! I thought that she would cry all day, and want to be stuck to my hip, but surprisingly she loved it. She loved all the different toys and books and especially the Bumbo. Neither of my girls had one, but Karlie sure loved it! She would spend almost the entire day climbing in and out of it. The rest of the day she'd spend giving me big, slobbery kisses. ♥

One good thing about being so exhausted at the end of the day is that I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow. Gone are the days of not being able to sleep!

I am really going to enjoy the weekend at home with nothing to do....expect the laundry that's piled up all week, and cleaning the playroom because I just let the girls destroy it everyday after we got home, and start on some assignments for school. Ok, maybe not so enjoyable!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I just want to scream. Or puke. Or throw a fit. Or curl up in a ball in the corner and cry. Today is Sunday. That means tomorrow is a new week. That means ALOT of changes, and my daughters do not adjust well to changes.

Next week I'm going to start nannying again, which is a YAY! because I LOVE the family, but it's an UGH! because it means I have to be out the door at 6:45 AM. Yes, 6:45 AM with the girls, their bag, breakfast and lunch for us, and Rob's clothes have to be ironed and ready for him, and I AM FREAKING OUT....to say the least. I can handle being up that early when I'm able to lounge around in my pj's til lunchtime. But now, I actually have to look like a live human being when I leave the house. Luckily, it's not a job. I know I can show up with my hair all a mess and it'll be ok.

I know it will be rough for the first few weeks, because Karlie will have to get used to napping in her Pack n Play, Kadence will have to learn to be nice and share with Bram all over again, Bram will have to learn the same, and Greta....oh baby Greta is going to have to learn to take a bottle from me. I've babysat them a few times this summer and it all went great....until Karlie was tired and wanted to nurse, and Greta refused her bottle, and Kadence had to go potty, and Bram was throwing toys at the babies all at the same time. Somehow though, it all worked out and I left with my sanity intact, Karlie wasn't a total crab, Kadence hadn't bitten anyone, Greta didn't starve, and Bram didn't break any noses...or windows :)

It will be good though. Kadence needs to have some interaction with a child her age, and since Mom is a brainy college instructor and Dad is just plain brainy, Bram is a great influence for Kadence, because his parents have spent alot of time on learning activities with him. I know she'll learn alot from him and vice versa. Bram loves Karlie and Karlie loves the attention. I hope that by having a new playmate, she might not be so clingy to me and will venture to the other side of the room on her own. And sweet little Greta. Still too little to really do much, but maybe being around a tiny baby will help me get over this TERRIBLE case of baby fever I've had lately. Oh yes, and the extra cash won't be bad.

Please pray for me. Please pray for God to give me a little bit more patience than most days. Please pray that I am able to give all of the kids the love and attention that they all deserve.

Maybe what I'm most nervous about is that I won't be in the comfort of my home. I won't be able to wash last night's dirty dishes while the girls are napping, or pay bills, or go shopping whenever I want, or bake, or (I will admit) check Facebook every 5 minutes ;) Maybe I am scared of change.

I Have Really Caught The Fever

I love babies. I really really really love babies. I love pregnant women. I loved being pregnant (well, with Kadence. NOT with Karlie). I love the way babies smell, even when they've got crusty spitup under their chin or a stinky diaper. I love baby feet. I love delicious baby rolls. I just love everything about babies.

So just when Robert and I have discussed and decided on whether or not we'll be expanding our family, one of my friends has to bring a beautiful new baby into this world, and it just makes me sick. Baby fever. I want another baby so bad right now I can barely keep myself away from Rob. (TMI? Maybe.)

BUT this isn't what Rob and I decided. We decided that two is it for us. We love our girls. He loves being the man of the house. He loves having to take care of all of his big chicken girls. We've decided that another baby (right now anyway) would really stretch our budget to the limit. And thinking about the future and how stressed out moms look when their chasing their brood of children through the aisles at the store, or running after a stray child at the zoo, and how expensive it is to go anywhere and do anything, we are both happy with the nice even number 2. And to be selfish, I want sleep. I can count on one hand the number of good night's of sleep I've had in the past 3 years. And I want to be able to go out on dates with Rob again. Another boob addicted baby who's motto is "death by bottle" would totally send us back to the beginning and make this all a dream again.

I've always dreamed of a huge family and I want Robert to have a son to play football with and take fishing. I think it would be good for the girls to have a little brother to look out for them and kick butt when boys are mean to them. BUT Rob has taught Kadence how to throw already and she loves going fishing with him. She kills bugs with her fingers, loves to get help him work outside, and is already an avid sports fan. Kadence and Karlie are already bestfriends and I know they'll stick up for eachother...so do we really need another kid?

The biggest reason I don't want more kids is become I am scared to death about having another c-section. Karlie's emergency c-section was the most terrible thing ever. It was so scary. The recovery sucked and I didn't even have a newborn to take care of. My midwives have already told me they're ready for a VBAC, but I know that there's still a chance of something going wrong and that really worries me. C-sections suck. On the other hand, I was not satisfied with Kadence's birth and Karlie's was just traumatic, so I really want to have a good memory of childbirth and maybe if we have another child then I'll be able to have a homebirth and be satisfied. BUT maybe not.

Now I'm all undecided now all over again. I guess only time will tell...

Happy Homecoming Anniversary Karlie!

August 2, 2008 was probably one of the happiest days of my life. That was the day that Karlie FINALLY got to come home from the hospital. She was still so tiny, barely weighed 5 pounds, and eventhough I knew I would take wonderful care of her, I was scared to death. Scared to sleep, scared to take my eyes off of her, scared that she'd stop breathing.....just plain scared. I didn't sleep for the first week. I just had to watch her breath every moment, eventhough I knew she had been breathing on her own for over six weeks. I wouldn't change the sleepless nights though....okay well maybe I would change the sleepless nights we're having NOW. Ugh, I am so exhausted from waking up every 3-4 hours. I definitely need to do some sleep training with Karlie, but it's just so easy to nurse her or rock her back to sleep.

So anyway, today we celebrated Karlie's homecoming anniversary by having fun at the Kemah Boardwalk. We started out with dinner at Saltgrass and I ate so much that I was sure I couldn't get on a rollercoaster. After a few kiddie rides, Rob and I left the girls to ride with my mom and we went to have some fun. It's been sooooooooooooo long since I've ridden a rollercoaster and I LOVE rollercoasters! I felt like such a kid again! I am very proud to say that on the Boardwalk Bullet (a VERY loud and rough wooden coaster) Rob and I held our hands in the air the entire time....I have bruises all over my hips and legs to prove it. Ouch! It was soooo fun.

Now, Rob, my dad, my mom, and Kadence are out fishing, Karlie's crashed out, Julie's in California, and Emily's outside on the phone WITH A BOY! WHAT?! She's still supposed to be my Emmy-Who Tiny Baby...not talking on the phone to a hairy legged boy! I'm left in the quiet to think and I'm starting to think way too much. I can't believe how fast my baby sisters have grown up. It makes me realize how fast my babies are growing and it freaks me out! I love my babies being babies, and I'm so not ready for them to start backtalking and liking boys, so I'm just going to have to enjoy them a little extra tomorrow. ♥